My life as an A.D.H.D* Adult

When it Rains, it Pours (Then Your EZ-Up Blows Away)

2010-05-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

Here's an entry that's both artsy and ADHD-y.

I did a Craft Show this weekend in Hampton Falls, NH. I woke up at 5am on the day of the show to the sound of thunder and lightning. Not encouraging. It was raining buckets outside and I was supposed to start setting up in an hour and a half. Not to mention the fact that leather items and copious amounts of soaking water are NOT a friendly combination.

So. Being ADHD and subject to emotional hijack, rumination, and overwhelming and disproportionate emotional responses I began to stress and freak out. I mean, I paid $200 for my spot in the show and another $100 for the hotel room I had booked for that night. Time to panic, right??

Well... actually... wrong...

I didn't freak out at all. I was stressed. Of course I was, that seems pretty normal to me. The situation was stressful and unanticipated. But I held it together and started to think. I focused on making realistic decisions based on the facts at hand rather than the nasty little voice screaming useless negative things in my head.

I did... what?

No, really! I did. I figured that the hotel was paid for and Terry was already planning to meet me in Hampton Falls. The car was packed the night before and was safe and dry in the garage. Might as well drive out there and give it a shot. If the show site was soggy and boggy I could hang around until check-in time, check out the hotel and its indoor pool until the weather dried out a bit, and then I could set up for the following day.

So I did it. I overcame the irrational and drove up tp Hampton Falls. By the time I got there the downpour had become drizzle and I was able to get set up in time for the show's opening. The show opened and the crowd was ok, decent in number and a fair amount of them interested in my wares. I was upbeat, outgoing, friendly, and ready to sell stuff.

There was rain at times, some times LOTS of rain. I cleared puddles off the EZ-up's overhang again and again. The day was gray and miserable and I began to feel the same. Gray, miserable, and despondent. No one was buying. Fewer people were even looking. What was I doing? What was I thinking? This was nuts. When was I going to get real and get a real job and grow up already.

Yuck.

But again I was able to stop and think about things in a realistic and rational way and get past it. Again, it's normal and rational to be down-hearted when your work isn't being connected with. It's normal for new businesses to not make money, or even lose money when they are in their infancy. All of this probably seems pretty straightforward to most folks but for nearly forty years it has completely eluded me. I thought it was just the way things were.

T-Rose came by in the afternoon and the afternoon went fine. We set up the site for the night and went out for a great dinner and a fantastic evening together, despite a pretty poor quality hotel. We woke up to no more rain and were ready for a quick set-up before Terry headed home to spend Mother's Day with her little-uns.

It was a bit windy out.

Kinda very windy in fact.

So windy that as we were approaching the site we began to notice that several of the vendor's tents were bent or knocked over. Thank goodness we had staked the tent down the night before. I felt bad for all those folks who were trying to straighten and re-configure their spaces.

At least their booths were still there.

Mine wasn't.

Parts of it was. A leg or two. The tables were there with all of the merchandise safely stowed away in totes under said tables. Even our trusted and beloved "Monique" (we named the mannequin head we used to display the masks... she's hot) was still tie-wrapped to the top of my display stand. But the booth was about 20 or so feet away in a bent and tangled ruin.

Yep. Sucked.

By this point, however, I was WAY beyond any of this. I have to admit that if the leatherwork had gotten trashed it might have been too much to bear. But I didn't make the EZ-up. Though not cheap they can be readily replaced. One of the other vendors, one of several VERY helpful and kind vendors, helped me realize that we were about 2 miles away from Seabrook. Seabrook has a Sam's Club. Sam's Club sells EZ-up tents.

With the help of my lovely T-Rose (aka Tabi-G... ask her if she wants to share that one with you) crisis mode became focused, albeit stressed, mode. We got a new EZ-up. We found great folding tables at a reasonable price which I bought to upgrade from the ones I was borrowing from ACiM. We bought bungee cords and stakes and rope and set to work.

The wind was still pretty horrendous so we used the EZ-up frames without sides, or even a roof. We put out the new tables and bungee-corded everything in sight. Terry told one of our neighbors that if anyone could figure out how to make it work I could. She was right, of course...

I did make the whole thing work and began to sell sell sell. Terry left to spend at least some of the day with the kids. If it wasn't for the extra cost of the new EZ-up it would have been a pretty decent show financially. I learned a lot about audience taste and how to connect the right folks with the right items.

It was a success.

I have to admit that. I'm learning a new definition of success. Success does not always mean perfection. Success does not have to be defined by those around me. Success can be about learning and growing and evolving and changing. After nearly forty years I'm finally beginning to get it.

This post and my last one show some pretty serious changes that are going on in my world. Part of that change can be attributed to personal reflection and self-searching. An even larger part can be attributed to my ADHD coach. Yep. There are folks out there who specialize in helping folks with ADHD get their lives in order and succeed. I'm lucky enough to be engaged to one...

It was funny at first. When Terry first started her coaching classes she was like the stereotypical freshman psychology student, seeing ADHD everywhere and analyzing everyone around her. Then, much to her surprise, she was herself diagnosed with ADHD. Welcome to the club honey.

Having a coach is an amazing thing. They really help put things in perspective. They make ADHD real. They make it just a thing, like being left-handed. I've always believed that ADHD was like being left-handed. It's not a horrible disease. It's just a different brain set. Get some left-handed scissors and move on.

Having a coach is like having a whole box full of left-handed scissors.

I know there are lots of you out there who have ADHD or have friends or loved ones who do. Help is out there, even if it isn't easy to track down. Terry, and folks like her are available to help out, often in sessions scheduled over the phone. To find out more, you can contact Terry at a.community.in.motion@gmail.com or check out her Facebook page.

Boldly Moving Forward (in a Terrified Manner)

2010-01-22T13:10:00.000-08:00

People can often be their own worst enemies. I think that with many, if not most, ADHD folks this is very true. For decades, a little voice inside my head has been telling me I will not succeed, and it has been doing everything in its power to make sure that is true. Up till now it has been pretty good at its job and I have often felt underachieved and unsuccessful even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I've had folks in my life that have made great allies for the little voice, but I'm not allowing that anymore. You see, I've begun to make some terrifying discoveries of late. I've been shocked and horrified to discover that I am often VERY successful, at any number of things. It boggles the mind to even consider it but I'm a pretty capable and talented guy.

That might sound a bit vain and conceited, but not so. I am quite aware that for each of the things that I am great at there are other things that I am completely TERRIBLE at. I've always been comfortable accepting the terrible bits. It was the pride of success that often eluded me and made me downright sick to my stomach.

In my case, the things I have been successful at have often come back to haunt me. My beloved T-Rose learned in her ADHD coaching class that when folks with ADHD do something well, it often gets held against them for the rest of their lives.

Huh? Yep, you read correctly.

For me, I can often do things that are REALLY difficult for most folks with relative ease. Figure out how to fix things around the house? No prob. Figure out how to solve a computer problem? Yawn. Take one look at something and then reverse engineer a version of my own? Well, duh!

To many regular folks these things often seem amazing, and they try to praise me and give thanks. But the little voice in my head says,

"They can't be serious. That was pathetic. What sort of praise do you deserve for such a simple task?"

It was a compelling argument for most of my life. Why did I deserve praise? It was easy to do and didn't challenge me in the least. The praise seemed hollow and didn't do much to help me feel successful.

Then there is the other side of things. There are MANY things that most folks do with ease that I am absolutely awful at. Call to make a Dentist appointment? Shiver. Remember that it is Sunday night and the trash needs to go out? Oh, yeah, right. Travel from one end of the house to the other and remember what you were going to do? Ummmm....

Mess up "simple" things like this and folks don't praise you. Far from it. They criticize you and harp on you and make you feel pretty awful. How can you be capable of so many difficult things and forget to put the trash out? What's wrong with you?

Three guesses how that would make me feel...

The problem was, those things are NOT easy. They are VERY VERY hard for me. And the way that folks would treat me when I screwed them up would do a good job at negating any praise I received for the hard (although not that hard to me) stuff. It gave the little voice inside me plenty of material to work with. It made sure that no matter how successful I was, I never felt content with it.

A lifetime of that can get old. A lifetime of that can get frustrating, and defeating, and make you furious in ways that you try to keep down but pop up at the worst possible moment. You can endure a whole lifetime of it while that nasty little voice in your head pilots that flaming train wreck all the way down to your grave.

Screw that noise.

I have simply decided that enough is enough. So with the help of someone very close to me (closer in fact than anyone else has ever been) I am moving forward. I am going to a place where I am not only successful, but I can embrace that success and, dare I say it, be happy and prideful and content with it.

Not as easy as it sounds.

It is, in fact, rather scary and uncomfortable and, to be blunt, often sucks. But why should I care? Isn't success and contentment something we all seek? Something we all deserve? Up until now I have believed that we all deserved it, even me (well, sorta), and I still believe that. It's just that now I actually mean it about myself as well as everyone else.

Where will it take me? Who knows. That's kinda the scary part. But anyplace would be better that where I was.

I'm excited.

I'm terrified too.

Sound the bugle. Wish me luck. I'm going in...

The Wooden House

2009-11-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

No, contrary to some comments from the peanut gallery, it is not made of sticks, nor does it abut the Straw House. It is the Wooden House (I know... most houses are indeed wood) and it was so named by my kids in their infancy. I have been taking them there since Zak was born. His first visit was weeks after his birth. It is a pretty amazing little rental house that my Mom has been going to for decades and we have been added to that tradition.

It is a wonderfully peaceful place outside of North Conway, New Hampshire with a wood stove and lots of windows that overlook the woods of the White Mountains. While there we hike, shop, and hike some more. It is truly one of my favorite vacation spots and it means the world to me. I'm pretty sure it means quite a lot to the kids as well...

We have started letterboxing quite a bit around the area. Letterboxing? Yeah, it is really kinda neat. Folks hide boxes (more accurately small plastic storage containers) and post directions to their location online at a letterbox site. Inside the box is a rubber stamp, often carved by the folks who placed the box, with which you can stamp your letterbox journal. There is also a notebook in the box that you stamp with your own stamp. Did I mention that you have to have your own stamp? I designed ours and had it made up from an company online. The design was a bit too complicated for me to carve on my own.

I used one of my leather journals this year to start making things "official". I'm hoping that it is a tradition that we keep on all of our trips for many years to come. We found a "hitchhiker" this time around. That means that someone visiting a box added a stamp of their own and the next folks who find it are supposed to carry it to another letterbox, possibly far far away. We're planning on planting a box of our own after Thanksgiving so we'll start him there and see where he ends up.

Did I mention the hiking? We love the hiking there. This year I made walking sticks for the kids, and for myself while I was at it. It was part of teaching Zak how to be responsible with a pocketknife. The kid is crazy about the idea of whittling. I think it actually rivals video games as far as getting and keeping his attention.

This year I was able to share our experience with my wonderful partner Theresa. We explored the shops of North Conway for hours and had a wonderful dinner together. Despite that fact that it rained for an entire day that she was there I think that she's hooked. Now it is her tradition too.

Life is about experiences. You only get one shot to gather them up (at least in this lifetime). The wooden house is a place that to me represents calm and peace in a near-zen like fashion. It is my yearly reminder to slow down and take a breath, and it re-enforces and recharges my belief in a simpler way of living. I hope to return there many times in my life, and even if I don't get to I will always treasure the trips I have already made.

Success despite the shivering...

2009-10-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

Finished my first craft show this past weekend in Quechee, Vermont. Despite freezing temperatures on Sunday I think I did pretty well. Folks came from all over to take a peek at my wares, including a charming couple from Germany who bought two of my masks (she looked stunning in both of them). If I could have charged a dollar for every smile elicited from my masks I would have gone home a very rich man.

Financially, I did better than even for show and display costs and I have a TON of leftover inventory that I can now sell at pure profit. Even though I think I caught a cold on Sunday it leaves me with nothing to sneeze at. I think I'm in the Craft Show biz! Big thanks and oh so many kisses to my beloved T Rose for helping me through every step of the way and being my greatest promoter. At least she got a fab red hat out of the deal.

I'll be adding some of the leftovers to my esty store around the end of the week. Still plenty of time to buy a mask for your Halloween Costume. Check out the new journals as well. I did a whole series of new colors, closures, and more. Christmas will be here sooner than you think!

The Man Behind the Masks

2009-09-21T07:53:00.001-07:00

My mounting mask madness is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I have about half of them shaped and hope to do the rest today ( as soon as I stop this silly blogging nonsense, that is). I have attached a pic of the first batch. Take a look and let me know if you are looking for something special to spice up your Halloween. I can hold one aside or make an extra spifftacular custom one for you. Ciao for now!

Leatherneck

2009-09-19T13:11:00.001-07:00

I'm surrounded by stacks of journals parts, straps, thongs (no, not that kind... I mean leather cords) and masks-to-be. A fine coating of leather dust is covering most of my clothing and my hands and fingers ache to beat the band.
I've been accepted to my first juried craft show. Actually, I was invited to two shows last year but was unable to make it to either of them. This one is in Quechee Gorge, VT and I'm going for it. That means inventory, a booth, and presentation materials... Oy vey!
I am shooting for sixty-five journals, which is about five times what I've ever had on hand at one time. I also planned on making a dozen masks but I laid out and cut 32 of them this morning so I'm guessing that I'll probably end up with considerably more than planned.
Taking a break to watch my son's ballgame then back to the salt mines. Stay tuned for More of Craft Fair Crunch '09... the legend begins...

Phantom Limb

2009-09-16T04:25:00.001-07:00

So my desktop is down. My reliable, dependable workhorse is flickering and freezing up at the startup screen. I find myself constantly looking at the empty screen and I've caught myself sitting down at my desk chair to check email more than once. There is a gaping hole in my rolltop desk where the machine used to be... there are wires trailing like nerve ends and a stray back-up drive like some sad leftover internal organ. The whole thing is rather depressing and pathetic.

The limb is gone, the doctor has said so, but I still feel the itch. It will probably be repaired, I made an appointment for someone to look at it, but in the meantime something feels not quite right. Even though I have a laptop and that miracle gadget of the ADHD set, an iPhone, something is still missing.

I pray to the merciful gods of prosthetics that we can rebuild it... stronger... faster... better...

Emotional Hijack

2009-09-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

This entry is for all of you ADHD folks out there. So if you're looking for the artsy stuff perhaps you should just move along. HOWEVER, if you are looking for some possible insight into the inner workings of someone you know with ADHD (and you do know some, whether you realize it or not) feel free to read on...

There are (or fortunately for the most part, were) times when I would get REALLY upset about the smallest things. Little stuff would send me through the roof for no particular reason and I would find myself uncontrollably upset or outrageously angry over something that just wasn't worth it. Growing up, I attributed it to my "alien" nature. I'll talk about this more in time, but basically it was the belief that I was some unfortunate freak who just didn't get the hang of "normal" people's thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and so on. I honestly thought I was broken, or was some sort of genetically or spiritually different being... and it sucked.

As I became an adult, and discovered that my brain actually was chemically different than other people's, I began to found out what was really going on. What was happening was a sort of "emotional hijack". My emotional well-being and impulse control was being taken away from me in ways that left me angry, or sad, or desperate, and always confused. It worked like this...

Say for example I got up in the morning and burned my toast. No big, right? Frustrating, but we can set that little thing aside, right? Then a shoelace breaks (no big, set it aside) and we're running late and have to rush to make it to school on time (little stressful there, but it's ok, right?). Little things happen, they always do, and we tell ourselves that they are no big deal and we've let them go. Then all of a sudden that last little thing... we don't let it go... it blows up big-time.

Turns out that I really hadn't let go of all those other things. I was unable to set them aside, and they kept adding to the undercurrent of my day until the tide got high enough to burst open the dam and all the frustrations came pouring through. All logic and reason and self-regulation got swept up in the flood and I was left spiraling out of control.

If any of this sounds familiar, about you or someone you care for, you have my sympathies. It was a damn tough thing to overcome. I'm not sure if "overcome" is really even accurate, I've just taught myself to ride that flood of emotion without being pulled under long enough to wrest control back from the 'jackers...

Like so many coping skills I've had to develop, awareness was the key. Self-awareness and a realization that this flood of emotion isn't really connected to what is actually happening at the moment. Awareness of how to keep things in perspective even when that little voice inside you is callig you an idiot for being so calm.

Deep breath...

So for now, its all good. At least most of the time it is. I try and deal with the droplets before they become the flood and realize, as I so often do, that the voice inside your head doesn't always know what the hell it is talking about.

The Asian Cabana Project

2009-09-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

For the past two years, my beloved partner Theresa Rose has hosted an end-of-summer pool party at her home. Each year she has picked a theme and made a herculean effort to decorate her pool area to match these themes. Last year it was a beach theme (no big stretch there but you have to start somewhere) and she had a local student come in and paint a mural on her pool cabana of a sort of stick figure "surfer dude". It was nice, it was colorful... but it didn't hold her interest for long.

This year she decided early on that she wanted an Asian theme. She had completed all of the major landscaping (and it was pretty major) around the pool area and now wanted to redesign it to fit her theme. She had ideas and asked me to bring them to life. The pressure was on...

Her ideas involved scroll-like elements, kanji characters, and lots of red, silver, and black. She painted over the existing decorations and we started with a torn scroll-looking element in shades of red on the front wall. Next we created rag roller painted layer of silver to add texture and dimension to the other walls. Then came the fun part...

I began to research kanji characters and created a visual dictionary of dozens of words and phrases for her to choose from. We picked silly and fun things like "Naked man changing" and "Naked woman changing" for the dressing room doors and "Make an effort for pure water" on the pump room. I also designed a scroll that I was going to paint a trompe l'oeil* scroll with "Faith" on its center and real bamboo ends.

To paint the kanji, I made and cut stencils for each character and painted them on with a stencil brush. The scroll was a combination of stenciled kanji and hand-painted branches and blossoms, with the bamboo nailed in place. I used rough twine tied to the top to "hang" the scroll on the wall. I also used some of the leftover bamboo and twine to create door handles.

As a last detail, I took down a series of old stickers that were placed on the plexiglas windscreens surrounding part of the pool area. They were originally put there to keep birds from crashing into the plexi and had been there for decades. Removing them was pretty awful but they were in tough shape and Theresa wanted them gone. Want to remove ancient horrible stickers? Use vegetable oil. It works even better than Goo-gone and is more eco-friendly (yeah, there are answers to many things on the Internet). I replaced the stickers with ones that I designed and had printed through an online vendor. Considering they were one-of-a-kind prints I thought the prices were very reasonable.

All in all the results were pretty good. Theresa added lots of little decorative details, including tiny lanterns made from miniature red and black Chinese take-out boxes. I created templates for a moon and a star and we punched holes through them so the light glowed through holes in the outlined shapes. The party was a wonderful success and although a lot of hard work it was a great project.

What's up for next year? Only time will tell...

Here is the front of the cabana:

The doors to the changing rooms:

A close-up of the kanji (naked woman changing... eek!) and bamboo door handle:

The cherry blossom "Faith" scroll:

The replacement windscreen stickers:

A close-up of one of the stickers. I was pretty pleased with the print results:

* a visual illusion used to trick the eye into thinking a painting is a 3D object.

Brain extractor

2009-09-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

OK. So this is where I start this thing. Its funny. Not funny ha-ha but more like funny strange. With all the thoughts that circulate through my head I've never been much of a journal writer. I've done it a few times, and it lasted a while, including a period where I made my own gorgeous (if I say so myself) leather journal and filled its pages on a fairly regular basis. Didn't last long...

So here I am.

Not that I don't have plenty to say. It's all just a matter of getting it written down. There's the rub. So many ways to get things written down these days but I need to actually use them. I got an iPhone for my birthday from my fantastic partner, and that helps quite a bit. I've also got a desktop, laptop, Facebook page, Twitter account, and that leather journal is still hanging around somewhere. Its just a matter of keeping my interest long enough to use them.

So, we come to the idea behind this all... the BRAAAAIN extractor. Somebody's gotta get on the stick here and create a way for me to just upload all these thoughts and ideas. Firewire, 3G network, whatever. Just get the basics down and I'll go back and format and neaten it all up later. Does it work for pictures too?

Why not? While we are at it we may as well go for broke.

But for now I guess I'm stuck with more traditional methods. Can I do it? Of course I can. I'm a bright and well-spoken guy who has decent ideas and can turn a phrase on a dime when he wants to. Will I do it? Ahhhh... that's the part that remains to be seen...